5 Badass Videogame Characters Who are Clearly A-Holes

The videogame industy has been saturated with a variety of well known characters, from annoying to cream-your-pants awesome. However, the most memorable characters are often the ones that you despise, yet can’t help but admit are badass. There is just something about the dynamic that compliments one another, like prepubecent teens and anime.  This list, on behalf of Resumeplay and myself, presents to you five badass videogame characters who are clearly assholes.

***Arg, Readers, there be potential spoilers below.  If you see a bolded name of a character from a game you haven’t played yet, look away. This be yer only warning.***

5. Falco (Star Fox)

Badassery:

Falco is the badass relief for the Star Fox series. It’s kinda like the comic relief, only with space fighter jets and talking antrhopomorphic animals that we would never, ever see as friends in the wild. Don’t get me wrong, Fox is quite awesome himself, but in a world populated with old-fart Rabbits and ambiguous (if not effeminate) frogs that never shut the hell up, it’s better to have two cool characters, not just one. Also, like Fox, Falco magically seems to know 5 different kinds of kung fu in Smash Bros. That’s pretty sweet for a blue falcon that looks like Tucan Sam’s cooler stepbrother.

Not pictured: Lame Ass Frog and Rabbit

Assholery:

Man, Falco is just a dick. I think Nintendo misinterpreted the fact that cool side-kick pilot characters have to be complete twats to their friends. This isn’t Top Gun, Nintendo.  I know what you’re thinking, hey, Falco is a cool guy. True. But whatever Falco has in traditional badassery, is definitely outweighed by his penchant for assholery (don’t even look it up, I’m telling you now: it’s not a word). After saving his ass on multiple occasions and hearing things like “Gee, I’ve been saved by Fox. How swell” or “I guess I should be thankful”, I will be the first to admit: I’ve sent a couple of bombs hurdling in his direction in place of my own snarky quips. Let’s face it. This is not the guy you want to hang out with after you dock your Arwing.

That’s right, ICE-MAN, … I am an asshole.

4. Any  GTA Character

Badassery

I’m referencing GTA III and on, here. Though each of the lead men in these games have their own, distinct stories, it usually ends up the same. They reach Liberty City, Vice City, San Andreas, what have you, and are incredibly small time at the start. They do some odds and ends missions here and there and before you know it they are sleeping in the bed with the mafia, putting down payments on Tony Montana’s mansion, and savoring some sweet, sweet ‘hot coffee’, respectively.

Not quite what I was talking about…

Assholery:

With their influx of cash and reputation, there often ensues an influx of power and destruction. It’s not uncommon for players to get into scuffles so intense that the National Guard is called in to put you down. Hell, that’s half of the fun of GTA games. Have you ever stopped to realize how much destruction you’ve caused the city? How innocent civilians lives you’ve taken? No? Exactly. The people in these games aren’t people, they are statistics. No, literally, go look at your kills in ‘stats’ from the pause menu.  Other lovely stats include: fires started and cars exploded. Yeah, you are pretty much Godzilla.

Actual Game Play

3. Albert Wesker (Resident Evil Series)

Badassery: Wesker is arguably the main villain of the Resident Evil series. Those are some pretty big leather boots to fill, but it just so happens that Wesker LOVES to wear anything leather. After the events of Resident Evil 1, we see Wesker in Code Veronica. The man has injected himself with some kind of experimental virus (like half of the bad guys in this series) that gives him super powers but, shockingly, doesn’t make him sprout an extra head or mutate into one of those weirdos with freaky eyeballs that RE bosses are so known for sporting (see right).  He is faster than bullets, stronger than an ox, and can kick the crap out of any protagonist that Capcom throws at him. Plus I like his shades. Simply put, he is the intelligent, evil genius of the series, and he can back it up with a heavy fist if you make fun of his first name.

Assholery:

Well, I’m going to look beyond the awful attire he chose for RE:5, though that does make him an asshole in my book. Point blank: Albert Wesker is the biggest scumbag of all time. During his Resident Evil career, he has backstabbed nearly everyone he has ever worked with at a grand, whopping total of 4 times in three games. Let me check my math: he betrays everyone on S.T.AR.S. to Umbrella in RE 1. He works with a secret ‘organization’ against Umbrella in Code Veronica. He betrays those in the ‘organization’ to control Umbrella before working for Tricell, and he betrays Tricell (as well as the gorgeous, Eva Mendez looking Excella Gionne) AND the frickin’ WORLD by trying to release a virus that would nearly destroy mankind in RE 5. I’d make a flow chart of that for you all, but I’d probably end up with a brain hemorrhage. So yes, to recap: his insatiable appetite for power, his evil genius intelligence and capabilities, his hobby of stabbing people in the back, and his ingenius, totally original plan to ‘cleanse’ the earth of the weak secures this guy a number 3 spot. The Neo-wannabe outfit made out of pleather helped, too.

2. Kratos (God of War Series)

Badassery:

Kratos, to me, is like 1/2Vin Diesel, 1/2 rabid bull dog. I swear he was  injected with a mixture of anabolic steroids and testosterone at birth. This is everyone’s most lovable Spartan. This guy is so mythically epic, I’m pretty sure he could take on the cast of 300. All at once.  In his first true test of strength, videogamers everywhere watched in awe as he killed a hydra with his bare hands. And that’s just foreplay. This guy kills gods… on more than one occasion.

…I’m screwed

Assholery:

Like so many heroes in videogames, he killed his own family in cold blood and wears their ashes like war paint. Wait, what? Yeah, the back story of Kratos is that he was duped into killing his family by the God of War himself. So, all peeved like, he kills the God of War, too. And billions of other people and mythical creatures, just because. What makes Kratos a real ass, however, is the fact that he almost ALWAYS makes immoral decisions. He makes human sacrifices like he’s taking out the trash, lays waste to cities at the drop of a Spartan loincloth, gets rewarded with health bonuses for killing civilians in cold blood, and is probably one of the most selfish characters you’ll ever play as. Playing Kratos is really like playing a game with moral decisions (think KOTOR, Fable, inFamous), with all of the ‘good’ choices made unavailable to you.

By the gods… I have a real chemical imbalance.

1. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Badassery:

For a videogame villain that you spend half of the actual game chasing by following the trail of dismembered corpses, burnt villages, and structurally impossible sword damages he left behind, you’d think Sephiroth would be a pretty obvious choice. He is one of the most iconic videogame villains of all time. His sword can cut through buildings as easily as it can (and DOES) people, he can cast magic that threatens our very solar system (comet summon, anyone?), and I’m pretty sure he shits platinum bullion. Oh yeah, he can fly too, why not. Does that necessarily make him an asshole, well… yeah, but deep down, you know you want to risk life and limb to get his autograph. Why? Because he’s just so fucking cool.

Just how badass is he? Use this picture as reference:

Take all that, add them up, and you’ve got maybe a third (of his huge testicles).

Assholery:

We’re talking about a guy whose master plan is to strike the planet with a meteor so that he can become a demi-god. (No one said he wasn’t bat-shit insane) This guy stabbed his # 1 fan with his long sword (heh) on two separate occasions. What’s more, he nearly murdered his best friend, burnt down his hometown (with his mom inside it), and pulled off an unholy trifecta by offing his greatest love interest before his very eyes. When he’s not trying to destroy the planet for an alien he thinks is his freakin’mom, he’s trying to make Cloud’s life a living nightmare at every chance he gets. Hell, he ‘comes back from the dead’ to do so (again, twice).

Sephiroth’s Master Plan… what an asshole.

Honorable Mention: Sweet Tooth (Twisted Metal Black)

Why he’s a BA:

Think  Sweet Tooth is a weird choice? Me, too. I put him on here because I try and make picks that are unique, when possible, to keep you all entertained so that you’re not reading the same names over and over again on these lists. Sweet Tooth didn’t make the list because I’m not sure if we can classify this guy as a badass in the traditional sense. He’s capable of kicking much of it, for sure, but would I consider him a bad ass? Well, for the sake of entertainment, yes. He drives an ice-cream truck that can turn into a robot that fires rockets and he gives insanity and nightmares a tangible face…I mean, mask. And, also, his hair is fire. Literally.

Why he’s a  massive A-hole:

First off, nobody likes clowns. I don’t even know why they exist. Kids don’t like them. Adults don’t like them. I sure as hell don’t like them. Sweet Tooth is the embodiment of why we SHOULD NOT like clowns. He is a videogame version of John Wayne Gacy, the real life serial killer clown, but with a side order of extra evil. He lives to kill. In the end of Twisted Metal Black he tries to find a cure for his case of head-fire, only to be told by Calypso that, in order for his wish to come true, he has to not be so hot-headed (I am a master with words); he is told he cannot kill again or the curse returns. So, like a man with the worst case of ADD in history of the mankind, he kills Calypso. That’s such an a-hole move, it doesn’t make much sense.

Tags: Falco Final Fantasy VII God of War GTA Kratos Sephiroth Star Fox Sweet Tooth The Fives Have It Twisted Metal Black