If life were more like a Video Game…

We all sometimes wish that life was more like a video game. Life would be so much easier….or would it? I’ve complied a list of things to keep in mind before you think such lofty thoughts. Some of these are positive, others….not so much. You’ve been warned.

• Everyone’s hometown would probably be destroyed/enslaved/infected/cursed before they turn 18.
• People with two living parents would be extremely rare.
• Nice people would be known by their first names. A -holes would be known by their last names.
• Random people would be allowed break into your house, rummage through your belongings, and then try to chat you up about stopping ‘the bad guys.’
• Many people would walk around aimlessly, never quite getting where they were headed.
• If you have an older sibling, preferably brother, they would eventually try to kill you. Younger siblings would most likely be kidnapped, with the odds stacked against younger sisters.
• Monks would hate their jobs, because getting around the temples would be a bitch. Especially for the monks unlucky enough to be at any ‘water’ temple.
• There would be dragons, ninjas, zombies, giant spiders, wolves, unusually large rats, fish that float in midair, gargoyles, golems, carnivorous plants, Nazis, dinosaurs, aliens, robots, crazed high priests, and suspicious-looking cats attacking you before you had time to pour your cereal. Every morning.

• Buildings would look considerably smaller from the outside, and that wouldn’t even include the catacombs under the fridge.
• Sleeping would cure everything from the common cold to death by repeated impalement.
• There would be several moments everyday you think the world was going end, but it would actually be perfectly safe.
• Capital cities would be built in two parts: diamond-encrusted mansions for the rich and mangled slums for the poor.
• There would be no such thing as a free night in a hotel. Expect to be woken up by some ridiculous happenstance.
• Just because someone might be weird, funny, brilliant, or scary, wouldn’t mean they’re important.
• Nine out of ten vehicles would be destroyed in a glorious blaze, somehow. Daily.
• Shortcuts would usually take much longer than the normal path. Plus, shortcuts would be frequented by monsters.
• Pretty girls would be completely untrustworthy, and ugly girls would already be trying to kill you.
• Handsome men would be righteously pure warrior-poets, or Douche-bags. Sometimes both.
• A -holes could never be beaten just once. They would have some kind of final form. Or two. Or three.
• Anything labeled ‘Ultimate’, wouldn’t be. There would always be something better. Usually something that you could only get by going so far out of your way that, by the time you got it, you wouldn’t need it.
• Anyone with authority that tried to help you out, no matter how nice they seemed, would probably be planning your demise.
• Anything would be forgivable if you looked cool enough. Anything.
• No matter how many things you were good at, or special skills you had, all but three would be mostly useless.
• No matter how bad-ass any girl is, if she were grabbed by the upper arm, she would be rendered helpless.
• All kingdoms would be noble. All empires would be evil.
• If you ever met someone at night, under a full moon, you would fall in love with each other.
• All children under 12 would be exempt from death.
• Every dream would be totally 100% accurate, and would be either: a vision of the past, psychic distress call from someone in the present, or a prophetic vision of the future.
• At some point, you would have to talk to, and take orders from: A tree, an animal, a group of small children, and a ghost of an ancient race.

• If you heard about a fighting tournament, expect the need to enter and win.
• You would be immune to poison, ridiculous heat, freezing cold, and other extremes, except when you suddenly wouldn’t be. Surprise!
• All waterfalls would have cool stuff hidden behind them.
• Really bad things could not be stopped, only ‘locked away’, or delayed slightly.
• Every single store in the world would accept the same currency.
• The quality of merchandise would be proportional to distance to really bad things. The closer you are, the more helpful the merchandise.
• Many people would be incapable of jumping.
• Amnesia would be commonplace.
• So many people would be murderers; it would have to be perfectly legal.
• Wanting a better gun would be a major cause of friendly-fire.
• Expect all red barrels to explode if shot.
• Somehow, you could jump, and then jump again in mid-air. (assuming you were one of the lucky people that actually knew how to jump.)
• If you heard about five elemental stones, twelve pendants, and sixty-five pieces of an ancient statue, expect to have to find all of them. Now.
• Guards would be incredibly easy to sneak past, unless your job mostly consisted of sneaking past guards. In that case, they would magically know where you were at all times.
• Jumping and shooting simultaneously would slow down time.
• If you came across a crate, expect to push it somewhere.
• Many women would have abnormally large breasts.
• Soldiers would either be hilariously incompetent or ruthlessly efficient.
• Princesses would be in constant need of saving.
• Shooting someone thirty times would not guarantee death.
• Expect to see some of the following locations sometime in your life: a desert city, a port town, a mining town, a casino city, a magic city, a medieval castle, a Japanese inspired village, a thieves’ den, a lost city, a sci-fi utopia, a cave with glowing rocks, an arctic village, a magical forest/lake/mountain, a shop in the middle of nowhere, a jungle,  an annoying cavern maze, and some place that had been destroyed in a past disaster.
• Everything would be a potential weapon. Guitars, hair, coffee cups, umbrellas, and eggs would often be as lethal as guns.
• If everyone in a town claimed that something really bad could never happen, it would happen right after you showed up.

So, there’s a peek at life if it was a video game. If you’re like me, you still totally want real life to become more like video-games. Just know what you’d be getting yourself into.

Tags: Cliche games Life video