For the love of….. Gaming! Part 1

Disclaimer: Nothing should be taken seriously in this article

Eighteen years ago, gaming was an entirely different experience. Of course, back then I was 4 years old, played with an upside down controller and had just started to truly gain control of my motor skills. Yet it seems like things have wound down a path of simplicity and un-originality. It’s difficult to compare games from NES, Genesis, and SNES to the current generation but if you consider the amount of effort and dedication it took to complete a gameor start to have nightmares about the impossible ones, (Maximum Carnage, Battletoads, Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts) I find it disappointing that there aren‘t many games that are that challenging anymore; but most of all I haven’t seen any new ideas or anything in a video game for a long time.

 

The gaming industry has certainly changed over the years and it’s time to analyze what’s causing these negative effects:

Female Gamers

I think we can all blame games like Petz, Imagine series, a lot of shit on the Wii, and any dress-up game on female gamers as a whole. As tragic as this toxic waste is to our dying environment, it seems to be having only minor effects. Most girls are competent gamers, they just have to be interested enough in the game for it to hold their attention for more than five seconds (Peggle anyone?).

Kids

As is tradition with the human race, the generation born after us is entirely inept at anything they do. Gaming is no exception. Since we are intellectually and genetically superior to these little bastards, the problems with gaming must stem from their influence on a perfect society of gaming! I blame them for “Super Guide” the worst thing to happen to gaming since Spore killed 100,000 PC gamers a day after its release.

Senior Citizens

Have you ever had grandma break your TV with a Wiimote? Unlikely, it was probably you, but it’s her fault for making the Wii look so cool at her nursing home! Senior citizens have begun to infest the gaming community, while we carry them on our backs until they pass away alone in some facility across town. They steal our money, and use it for their fancy healthcare and they contribute nothing to society. I need my money to buy more games!  Get a job grandma, and stop playing games;I’m tired of paying for a new hip every time you play Wii bowling! What was I talking about again?

Aliens

Abductions, anal probes, Michael Jackson - what can’t I blame on those space-faring invaders in the sky! The gaming industry has been secretly controlled by aliens for years, and their first offense was: ET the game, the biggest piece of crap ever created for the Atari and that’s saying a lot.  Aliens take great pleasure in ruining games because they are too pussy to try and take over Earth. If you have watched any movies, you know that a super-advanced vast alien civilization would be entirely defeated in a few weeks because we’re so awesome. Of course we‘ll lose at first, but then, in the last ten minutes they’ll all die and we’ll continue with our happy lives, killing each other.

Military Industrial Complex

I have been told that video games were created to improve hand and eye coordination, so they can make us into an elite army of killing machines, and common sense dictates that the government uses many forms of mind control to get us to do whatever they want.  The FPS genre, and GTA to a lesser extent, serves to facilitate the conversion until the sleeper cell protocol in our brains becomes unlocked, and we will be used to take over the world. (Thanks for the inspiration Beck)

In all seriousness, the FPS genre is a one-trick-pony and I have yet to see anything original done with it since Doom. Of course the experience has been vastly improved, but the formula is still basically the same. I hope they stop spitting out Call of Duty and Medal of Honor games, and let us see something new.

Keep your eye out for Part 2, a serious look at the gaming industry.

Tags: Article funny Gaming List