Dear Hollywood

the past decade or so, comic book movies have been storming Hollywood and taking in record box office revenues. Hollywood has dabbled in video games for their silver screen failures in the past, but ever since comic books made it big, all of a sudden, it’s cool to be a shut in geek that sits in his/her house reading “funny books”, playing video games, and watching movies. To show my severe hatred for Hollywood touching my childhood like an internet predator, I wrote them a letter.

Dear Hollywood,

I would like to issue a few complaints. I have stomached your horrible movies for most of my life, and enjoyed some of your trash even though morality says I shouldn’t. You’ve remade every classic horror movie you can think of, and you’ve ruined most of them to the point of causing suicides. Ok, I made that part up, but I’m tired of your shit, and I have to vent. Our relationship has been rocky over the past few years, and I just want to let you know why.
I am an avid gamer and movie goer, so of course, when I hear about one of my beloved games being brought to the silver screen in all its glory, I pee all over the rug like a chihuahua that’s been frightened by an animal taser. All of this started, in my personal experience, with that horrible piece of trash known as Super Mario Brothers.  You took THE mascot of video games, gave him a Latino adopted brother named Luigi that was SUPPOSED to be Italian, and mixed in ridiculous “real world” and alternate dimension plot. Dennis Hopper is the man, and he just managed to make this gag fest of a movie even worse.  Jump boots? Really?

Every other video game movie since that time has been an epic failure of magnificent proportions. You took Resident evil, the forefather of survival horror console games, and made it into a shell of its glorious plot, conspiracy, gore, and all around mega awesomeness, and just tried to see how many times you could slip Milla Jovovich’s nipple into the shot. The zombies and the plot were sub par, at best, and the lack of actual similarity to the game made me rethink our entire relationship. You didn’t stop there, though, did you? No. You made 2 sequels, and more than likely, you’re going to make about 13 or 14 more. Every single time you make a Resident Evil movie, I get closer and closer to developing a more productive hobby like volunteering at an animal shelter.
Oh….Silent Hill. Well. Not much to say. You made Pyramid Head suck at life. Just go away from me completely. I don’t need this crap.

The last topic I wanted to cover with you was when you betrayed my trust by letting Uwe Boll direct pretty much every video game movie ever made on the planet. God forbid you listen to the fans and read Uwe Boll’s death threat letters that he admits to receiving for making such horrible video game movies. His lack of directorial talent is nearly as bad as his Euro trash name.

No offense to my European brothers and sisters out there, but if I were them, I’d exile him to a small island used for nuclear weapons testing just to get him out of my neighborhood. This rat bastard directed Bloodrayne, which could have been awesome if it didn’t suck so bad. Yeah. You heard me. Just terrible. Sure, Uwe Boll tried to pump fans to see this by casting Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, and some really hot chick who’s name doesn’t matter, but it failed horribly. He also made House of the Dead. This game single handedly devoured every quarter I have ever laid hands on in my entire life, and the movie took $9.00 that I will never get back. Oh, and then the sequel. The sequel that was SO bad that not even Uwe Boll would direct it. Let’s not forget Alone in the Dark. Christian Slater? Who cares about him anymore? Who has cared about him ever, now that I think about it? Why? Why do you continue to violate my gaming and theatrical experiences again and again. It’s bad enough I have to sit through remake after remake because you have actually run out of material. I also have to sit through video game crap movies that just make the remake movies look like Oscar worthy art films.

Look. Hollywood. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my entire life. Our relationship has reached a stalemate. I’m looking to take things to the next level, settle down, buy a house, get a super sweet flat screen tv, watch good movies, play good games, and eat more animal crackers than should be allowed by law.

For the longest time I thought the crazy awesome sex we had would keep us forever, no matter how bad things between us got. But now the Cialis and Viagra I’ve been secretly taking to keep myself aroused around your now fat ass is just not cutting it anymore. Your silver screen cellulite is starting to make me gag, and I can’t stand to be around you. I’m sorry things have to be this way, and I hope that one day in the future we can still be friends and maybe get a cup of coffee or something. Right now, though, I have to do what is best for me. You’re holding me back, and I can’t be happy. So please bring back my Rick Astley cd, my copy of Ninja Gaiden III for NES, and my Goodfellas DVD., and we can go our separate ways in peace. It has been a rocky ride, but I can look back at our relationship and see a lot of great things. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope you don’t cry when you get this.

Love always,

Mark, from Resumeplay.net

Tags: Dear Hollywood Posts resumeplay Video Game Movies